I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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