I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
