I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
