I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
