Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
