I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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