the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
