he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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