If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
