my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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