ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
