and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm like, not good at living.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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