I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
