Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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