Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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