Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
