I CAN MOONWALK!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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