It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
