There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
