1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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