Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
