Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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