Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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