My Higher Power is John Stamos
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up under a house in Key West
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
