I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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