A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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