It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
