my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
