he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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