When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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