The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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