i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
