turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
