My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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