I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
