I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
