They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
