He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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