My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I need to wash the frat house off of me
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
