yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
