there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
