My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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