I'm gonna have a badass scar
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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