At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
