coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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