if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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