I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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