I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
