There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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