dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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