if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Vodka?
Forever.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
