As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
