I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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