1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
