she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
