Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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