I wish I only lived at night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
