I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize