Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
