every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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