we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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