Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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