tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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